Anyone who has watched someone close to them experience loss has felt the struggle of not knowing what to say. And listen to grieving people, and you realize that people’s well-intentioned words can cause real damage in times of loss. We need to tread lightly on the sacred ground of grief, and the Bible gives principles that can help guide our steps. Let me share four.
1. Share your tears, not your advice
The only thing more famous than Job’s suffering is the damage caused by the friends who came to comfort him. They showed great compassion at first. Job 2:13 says, “And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.”
Their initial response looks very much like the counsel of Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
The problem came when they opened their mouths to speak. They gave lectures and advice that were misguided and ill-timed. Their words are a cautionary tale for all of us.
2. Don’t speak of what you don’t know
While advice is seldom what’s called for in times of grief, it’s especially unhelpful when we speak about things we don’t understand. Job’s counsellors confidently described God’s purposes in Job’s suffering as if God Himself had told them. As the story unfolds, we learn that their words were not only painful but wrong.
Moses spoke to God directly and personally, but even he had the humility to say, “The secret things belong to the LORD our God” (Deuteronomy 29:29). There is so much about God’s ways that we don’t understand, and to suggest otherwise is dangerous. The same is true for grief that we haven’t experienced. As Proverbs 17:28 warns us, “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”
3. Don’t minimize grief to elevate faith
One of our knee-jerk reactions toward people who are sad is to tell them to cheer up. When people are grieving, we seldom use those words. But we’re quick to “look at the bright side” or the “silver lining,” when what’s really needed is to acknowledge the loss and feel the grief. Proverbs 25:20 warns against this tendency when it says, “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day.” When someone feels down, it may be because they’re doing the important work of accepting the reality of their loss. Trying to lift them up may interrupt that work.
Christians often want to say, “But we have a great hope in the Lord!” That hope changes our grief rather than eliminating it, though. When Paul spoke of those who had lost loved ones, he said that he didn’t want them to “grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). He didn’t tell them not to grieve at all. Even Jesus wept at the grave of His friend (John 11:35). We shouldn’t speak as if faith eliminates grief.
4. Pray more than you speak
As much as we want to comfort those who face loss, God is the one who can bring the fullness of comfort that our friends need. Grieving people need our prayers more than anything.
David reminds us in Psalm 34:18 that the Lord is the one who is “near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” And James 5:16 urges us to “Pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
If we’ve experienced the same loss as a grieving friend, we may be uniquely qualified to comfort them, but even then, our focus must be on the comfort we’ve received from God.
Hear Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Hearing someone who’s been there say, “When I was at my lowest, God was faithful,” can be just what’s needed to believe God for the comfort and mercy that He can give. But even then, we need the help of people’s prayers.
It's only a matter of time before grief visits someone close to us. When it does, we should listen and pray more than we speak and trust the Lord to speak comfort where our words often fall short.
In awe of Him,
Paul
